I have been thinking a lot about how to live with confidence, but not arrogance. I have come to realize that when we own our strengths with as much authority as our weakness, or conversely, own our weaknesses with as much authority as our strengths, we are transformed into humble, powerful children of God. Realizing our limitations continually reassure us we are not God, while recognizing our power and strength unveils our potential- potential to change the world. So go, hold your strengths as boldly as your weaknesses and live into your potential. Never doubt the beauty of your Creator and know that you were formed in His image.

Freedom of Speech.

“Freedom of Speech.” Familiar words, yet unfamiliar in practice. I am not discussing the ability to say whatever one wants, but the actual freedom that comes from speaking. Issues, struggles, heartache, we’ve all got them yet we walk on the tippy-toes of life, hoping our brokenness will sneak past people. We wear baggy shirts to hide our too-large tummies, drink coffee to mask our exhaustion, smile and flirt to hide broken hearts. Never feeling we are good enough, if only we could be smarter, wiser, have more self-control, smaller nose, fewer freckles, love better, be loved. We judge ourselves, holding the bar higher than we ever expect from others and then we feel guiltily for judging ourselves and guilty for having issues.

As I continually gain courage, I continue to share my issues. Speaking about them has brought an unbelievable freedom. By taking about my issues and naming them, I take away there power. They are no longer this ugly thing that I spend time an energy trying to ignore. Instead they becomes tangible, something I can own, instead of them owning me. We were created to be in community, to “confess our sins to one-another.” Healing and change can only begin after the wound or brokenness is identified.

There is an unexplainable power in verbalizing your human imperfections, struggles and sins. I have found such freedom each time I share. Freedom. Honest freedom from the crap that we attempt to ignore but instead consumes. Freedom from the fear that “if they only knew my crap, they wouldn’t stick around.” “I wouldn’t be loved, if they only knew...” Do you know what it feels like? I’m not suggesting we hang our dirty laundry for all to see, but to seek a safe place and unload. I have been amazed at how many people have the same struggles. And have find community, compassion, support and a lightness from sharing secrets. I can’t explain it, but I have found honest, soul liberating, freedom in speech.

I listened, but forgot to hear...

Forgive me God, for I have forgotten. I spent five months of slowed down life in New Zealand, creating space for You to speak and spoke You did. I heard the same message over and over, slow down. Annika, slow down. New Zealand taught me the peace and wisdom that can come from creating space. The Lord will crawl into the spaces, brining joy and life. When space was created, the Lord would affirm that I was enough. No accomplishments or schedule needed. I was to strip off expectations, all of them, those put on by society, those given by peer, family pressures, and worst of all our own expectations. I was to rest in idea that the Lord loves me where I am. I am loved and worthy of celebration. Re-reading my blog from NZ, over and over again I heard the Lord speaking, stripping life down to simplicity and rebuilding what was truly important. Looking at my life now one would think I had fully forgotten. Five months of teaching, listening and experiences, what has changed? Life is chaotic, overly committed, overly excited, overly ambitious, and I will soon become overly exhausted. I leave no spaces. I neither read or pray or rest enough, expecting the Lord will give me grace because of my busy schedule. Grace, I need to give myself grace. Grace to know that I won’t live up to expectations, not my own, not my professors, not my peers, nor societies, so I can stop trying. Grace to remember what I spent five months learning and grace while I attempt to apply all I learned.

I-5 accident-turned dance party and post-finals chaos, but smiling, alway smiling

Saturday night 1:45 in the morning, I was driving back from grabbing a drink with a friends in Portland. He headed north and I headed south down I-5. I was about a mile from my exit was stuck in accident traffic. All three lanes were blocked. I was about the twentieth car on the scene and sat there watching a dozen police cars, fire engines and ambiances wiz past. After about thirty minutes people began to climb out of their cars and check out the action, relaying the stories they heard through the line of traffic in a classic game of telephone. The further down the line of traffic, the wilder the stories became. I’m sure the cars about a mile back heard that a helicopter crashed into a spaceship which was trying to land on 1-5, the explosion overturned seventeen cars, one carrying the mayor of Oregon, while another carrying a lady in labor who was forced to deliver the baby among the wreckage...

The crazy stories were only the beginning of the party that soon broke out along the highway. It was young crowd, everyone back from school and were out with old friends in Portland. Cars synchronized radio stations, cranked up the volume and dance parties began. Beer bottles began to appear, while other where throwing up from too much earlier that night. Others were looking desperately to buy some smokes off anyone who was willing. Girls were prancing around in mini skirts and heals, stopping by the crowds to shake it. Cars had to pull perpendicular to traffic, making room for police to reach the scene. Tension finally exploded between a stubborn driver refusing to move their car and those attempting to direct traffic, racist comments went flying as well as fists. With all the car shuffling, I found out my car died, I had to get a jump in the middle lane of the freeway from my friendly neighbors. I met dozens of people, all in their twenties. Everyone was either beside themselves upset at the delay, or embarrassing the humor of the situation, joining the social scene and super friendly. I even developed a slight crush on one of them, how is that for an ironic meeting? All of my new friends, random strangers and I had a white-elephant gift exchange, all pulling random items from our cars. I walked away with gum, DD batteries and used chapstik. We contemplated caroling from car-door to car-door. It was unbelievable! It was such a bizarre but hilarious experience. Over two hours later traffic finally began to clear, my new friends and I exchanged numbers, hugged goodbye and continued down the freeway, back to life.

Well, my freeway adventure only added to my collection of happenings, randomness, travel and adventure thus far. Break has been slightly chaotic (to follow the chaos of finals week…) Since Friday I have been in four states, eight cities, used four types of transportation, moved my luggage over ten times, been to two church services, three pre-Christmas parties, three Christmas eve/day parties with my 22 family members, baked three traditional Swedish meals. Had a workout date, beer date, errand running date and walking date. Spent two hours in a traffic accident turned dance party on 1-5. I have played in soccer game, danced to keep warm on DU campus at two in the morning, read 100 pages of John Stienbeck’s East of Eden, eaten too much delicious food and slept way too little. Life is chaotic but good. It is a chaos that is oh too familiar... I finally arrived at our cabin in the Colorado Mountains. As soon as we entered the house my body relaxed.. I am now sitting by a fire, listening to music and breathing. Snow is falling, life is slowing, slopes are waiting and I am smiling.

a simple request

Play with me, please. Put down your books, turn off the tv, log off Facebook, stop wandering, stop procrastinating, stop making excuses and play. Let your mind rest and give your body a chance to work. Snow covered mountains crave fresh tracks, caves are waiting to be explored, peaks to be climbed with views that will make problems shrink and wonder grow. Let out your adventure, laugh, fall, twirl, run, climb, ride, free your soul. We have mountains and rivers within an hour’s reach, waterfront only blocks away, dozens of friend’s next-door and healthy bodies that are able to thrive. Allow yourself to be refreshed and remotivated. School-work will get done, it always does. Stop getting sucked into stress, pause life for a few hours, and lets go play.

craving more.

I am caught it the middle of depth and fluff (yes, fluff). My heart is living two distinctive places. The first is a yearning desire for depth, depth of thought, depth of passion. I want to be transformed by Christ; I want to be overwhelmed with Him. I want to find a place were my passions can be used, where I can be challenged and stretched. I desire a place where I can think big but also act. I desire people to travel to those depths with me, not just to talk but also to make change. I feel stir crazy and frustrated with such an intangible and impossible to explain feeling. I often feel like I’m going to explode with passion, joy, frustration, excitement, love, life, but never know how to let it out, so often implode. Or go back to where I spend the other half of life, in the fluff.

Living in the fluff of life. In the puddle-jumping, twirling, costume wearing parts of life. I love my friends. I love hanging out, eating soupy brownies, laughing, wasting time, making memories, dressing up as burritos, eating terrible home-cooked meals, losing our voices screaming to scary movies, dance parties and just living life. I love spending time on the surface of life. Tasting the sweetness of the familiar and enjoying friendships four years in the making. I love exploring and resting in place that feels more and more like home. I love late nights and long runs, where I can make of a healthy body that will function on no sleep. Savoring the last drops of freedom before real life.

So, where does life leave me at the end of the day? Stir crazy, but never wanting a day to end. I feel frustrated and unsatisfied, yet joyful and content. Most of all, it leaves me craving more... more depth, more fluff, more laughter, more Christ, more challenge, more fun, more life.

scratching an itch

I spend most days looking at molecular structures, internal body systems and the brain. I can certainly say we are quite spectacular beings. Yet my long science filled days often leave me with a creative itch while life is constantly leaving me with perplexing thoughts and challenges. So I'm back in the blogging world, scratching an itch and sharing life with everyone or no one.