late nights unraveling

Lately I have been loving the dark and quiet hour from midnight till one. I have found myself spending this time in reflection. I spend all day feeling, experiencing, suppressing, expressing. It is in this hour that I begin to unravel the day. Looking into how I’m doing, I’ll begin to type, writing whatever comes to my mind, often typing faster than I realize what it is that I’m thinking. And there has been tons going on. I’ve been looking at what parts of my day bring me life and what parts of the day take it away. I feel like I have this final month in New Zealand where I will be living in a unique dynamic where challenges and new situations are constantly arising, but they are coupled with time and space for reflection. In my late night hours, I have found small conclusions and life changing ones as well.

- I learned that I need fifteen minute transitions. After a long day, I need time to decompress, sit, to listen to a song, eat a carrot, to feel like I can do whatever I want, even if it is only for a few minutes.

- I learned that I love people, I love to live within a place were there is action, life, lots of people moving, laughing, living. It doesn’t matter who they are, if I’m friends with them or not, I love to feel life around me.

- Yet within that space, I need my own space.

- I need regular challenges, physical and mental. More than an occasional jog, that mean gut-wrenching pointless three-hundred repeats at the track or hour plus long runs, fifty push-ups, hanging on the edge of a rock wall, or hours of hiking uphill at a unnecessary pace.

- I need consistent reflection, unloading of thoughts and ideas- weather to a person (preferably) or to a journal; otherwise I get overloaded and literally weighted down to the point where I begin to function through life instead of joyfully live it.

- I really appreciate and need to people pursue me personally, asking me questions about life-and challenging my responses.

- I love eating breakfast alone, love eating lunch with close friend or acquaintance) and love eating dinner with lots of people.

- Although I am messy, I function better when my stuff is organized.

- I need outlets where I can act like a giddy seven-year old. Places where I can “big –foot run” down hills with snow shoes, where I can dress in 80’s clothes and rock to the beat, go to a huge empty field and dribble a soccer ball-full speed-shoot on an invisible goalie- inevitably score and do a victory dance while others on look with suspicion. Times were I can freeze ice-cubes to the bottom of my shoes and skate down grass hills. Play spades and get unnecessarily excited about a victory and filled to the brim with bad words that I want to spew at my opposite when I am defeated. Turn up music and twirl. Run full-speed down scree fields and sand dunes. Log roll, sing “boom-chicka-boom”, eat more cookie dough than cookies. Compile the ten dorkiest hand motions and use them as frequently as possible. (stir the pot, self-high five, air punches, holding ones own hands and victoriously double shaking them on either side of their face, any movement that is accompanied by the sound “cha-ching,” and the list goes on…)

I previously wrote about living authentically and how that is both worship and a testament to God. I realize that to live authentically, I need to know who I am. The list complied above is the beginning of what it looks like for me to live as me. Evidence of my needs, my passions, my gifts and my weaknesses, can all be found woven in the list above, beginning to paint a picture of authenticity.